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    你已經是我的一部分……

    To Bert:

    擠熄你的煙吧,對身體會比較好。

    沒辦法,我想不起其他有關你有溫度的回憶。你吸煙的樣子帶點危險。

    Joni Mitchell的《A Case of You》一直陪著我,她唱著“我害怕魔鬼,所以被那些不害怕的人吸引了過去。”猜你不會對這首歌有印象,極其量只會知道我曾經偷了兩句送給你……

    “Part of you pours out of me in theses lines from time to time.”這句歌詞好像詛咒一樣,時刻在我心里,無論我跑到世界任何地方,她都提醒我你已經是我的一部分。有時走在街上,我會突然很累,很需要停下來大口大口的深呼吸。我想,我仍然很掛念你。

    上一次到倫敦,我不由自主的不斷想著:“噢,你曾經在這里上大學,你有沒有見過我面前的這棵樹呢?你是否曾經走過我現在正走著的小徑呢?這一刻大笨鐘的聲音和你當年聽的是一樣的嗎?剛在Piccadilly Circuit碰見的那個老人家有沒有曾經跟你擦肩而過?”

    我們大概再沒有擦肩而過的機會。起碼我會努力避開有機會碰見你的地方,因為我害怕你會若無其事的跟我打招呼,然后若無其事的走開,還禮貌地說有空喝杯咖啡;我也害怕你會裝作看不見我,不介意在我面前經過。

    所以,遠遠地,安全地追尋你的歷史,我會舒服一點.,那年那天你在球場上揮過幾滴汗,陽光把草地上的水分蒸發,云飄過半個地球的海洋化成雨水落在水塘里,我喝下水,水變成我的一部分;你的汗變成我的眼淚,你的手變成我的心。

    哈哈,這些連初戀男女都覺得太肉麻的想法,竟然被我寫了出來,也不怕紅臉。其實浪漫和戇居只有一線之差。

    一線之差。

    情人和朋友只是一線之差;現實和假裝只是一線之差;童話和謊言,一起和分離,想要的和得到的……都只是一線之差。
    可是你定要登上山頂才會知道一路的辛苦上斜值不值得,所以在你能力許可的時候,你一定要去全力追求你想得到的……


    愛和浪費時間,也只是一線之差。


    我們也不止一次嘗試永遠離開對方的了。記得那次那個一個月沒聯落后你給我得電郵,內容只是普通問候閑聊,但題目你寫著:Time。時間。你是想說時間可以治愈一些傷口嗎?


    離上次見面已經九個月了,我從香港逃到三藩市逃到加拿大,你一直都在我心里。下過苦功把屬于你的一切具體地從記憶里刪除,不把已一次過還給你的禮物信件計算在內,就只是我們一起做過的事情和說過的某些相關字眼,也已經折磨了我很久很久,直至我忘了曾經叫自己忘記。

    九個月。喔,我原來還在數。


    其實我們離得已經夠遠了,反正兩個人之間最遠的距離就是時間。原來我從來都不用逃。而你,卻從來都沒有逃。干脆再見面算了,讓我們再來一次,給我看看究竟你有甚么魔法能使我丟不掉。既然逃不了,面對好了。
    究竟我想得到甚么?為什么要寫這封信?把這些東西告訴你似乎沒太大意義,不見得這些流行曲哲學能拯救我們的關系。我想我還是很希望透過記下一些發生過的事,去證明我們之間有著比朋友多一點,比情人少一點的關系。


    事情大概不會好轉,但起碼說一些發生過的故事是一種療傷的方法。

    我很掛念你。

    From:Ernie


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