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    其實不該來過

    十二月十九日,你說了分手。到現在已經十六天,我沒有那一天不想你的。天天寫,天天戀,我把整個書都寫滿了對你的思戀,可是你卻不知道,你知道不知道禽獸多么想你,我就因為一句不該說的話,卻把我最愛的女人弄丟了。現在后悔也沒有用。因為再也回不來了。她不愿意看到你,你不知道?因為他恨你。恨不得殺了你。那首傻子瘋子和白癡,現在我把它送給你,只有讓它陪你,因為我沒有那資格,你的愛是自由的沒必要只對應我一個人。只是回憶起和你在一起日子,我真的好想回去回去那段時間。什么煩惱也沒有,你和我多么開心,只有我和你,什么也不用管。可是現在什么都沒了,就連回憶也像一個個耳光打著我,問我為什么?現在說什么都是我的錯。想通了,也懂了。原來自己是那么的幼稚和無知,什么也不懂,更不懂你。還以為自己是多么的懂你。原來只是自己以為而已,誰也不懂誰,我也不懂我自己。對不起我還愛你,我愛的還是你,很久后愛的還是你。只是現在我說什么你也不聽,看著你的那無所謂的表情,徹底地讓我知道了,我錯了。謝謝你陪我我這么久的時間,打擾你了,讓我學會了很多。知道了,以后不再輕易說愛。現在的我已經變得無堅不摧,什么都不怕,更不怕你的哭。因為我知道那不是為我哭,我懂。我以為牽了手就算愛情。直到我們分離后才懂有多天真,我以為約定的都能實現。直到兩個人擦肩也熟視無睹。我以為只要堅持就會有結果,直到他們說著你靠著的他。那又何必來過留下一堆破爛心情讓人不知收拾,你又何必來過踩著那堅定的步伐離開。我其實不該遇見。用每一個晴天換了多少張相片,最后只能在染色的抽屜里蒙上塵埃。其實不該來過,寫下那么多記憶中的美好篇章。只可惜化為心冷取暖的暗火,唯一能做的事是不是只剩逃避。無論誰還愛著誰,再說不出哪樣臉紅的情話。我們本不該遇見,曾經。本就不該來過,當我望著流淚的你,當我想起笑著的你,記憶的疼痛又是侵入肺腑難以離去。不該來過,這場沒有結局的過場戲,何要當初的溫柔來悲傷現在的落寞,我們不該來過。很多事情,不知道從哪兒寫起。就像這不久以前的日子,我確實從來沒想過,我越來越不喜歡當時的一切模樣。我總是在努力說服我能改變,可是越來越疲憊和無所謂。所有自己以為值得痛苦的事情到最后還是能整理好,時間過了也是過了,只是很多存在過的東西總是存在著的。一個人的時候總是喜歡幻想太多未得到的未來和回不來的遺憾留下的可能性。或許有很多人真的需要在不同的存在方式里看清自己的隱藏面。如果可以選擇,我想做一個可以回頭卻壞得不折不扣的孩子。我不怕讓父母傷心,因為那樣我在他們眼里已經是一個不抱希望的孩子。他們不對我給予美好的未來,總以為長大后能自己混口飯吃就再好不過。我可以干盡我想干的所有不觸犯法律的事情,并且不考慮后果。因為我知道沒有人會來責備我,爸媽為我收拾爛攤子的時候,會很失望的搖搖頭,有種讓孩子自生自滅的感覺。我也不必在學校為了爭取很好的成績天天拼命的學習,沒有玩的時間,還要維持老師同學心中的好學生形象。我可以鬧鬧玩玩,不斷混日子的時候便會有輟學的念頭,父母也不會苦口婆心的教導我要好好學習,為一個大學生的銜頭掙足面子。這樣一來,打工和混社會便成了不得已的出路。親朋鄰里認為這樣的孩子打個幾年工便找個男人結婚生子,又做了一代打理家務的農村婦女。從此,沒有人會把你拿來和別人不停的做比較,即使有一天父母恨鐵不成鋼的罵你,你也不以為然,還可能幾句話頂嘴回去,因為你是一個壞孩子。沒有人會強迫或交代你做很多事,因為你是一個滿腦子只有壞水而干不好事情的孩子。……就這樣一直在所以人都不抱希望的歲月里成長而去,成年,終于成了千千萬萬打工仔里的一員……然后,你會為你曾經的所有不認真付出代價,那就是經歷生活的苦難。但是,因為你已經習慣了一個壞孩子的成長環境,你可以忍住很多乖孩子不能承受的眼光和折磨。時光冉冉逝去,20出頭,幾年的光陰。所有鬧事繁華退去的時候,你一個人,在霓虹燈下有種落寞的滋味,于是,忽然覺得一夜間醒悟了,長大了,成熟了,老練了。就是這樣一瞬間的念頭,或許會讓你開始想嘗嘗過寧靜生活的感覺,想好好的了解一下父母,想好好的做一個好孩子。即使你曾經壞的不折不扣,但忽然想回頭。直到有一天,回家的時侯你提著好多禮品去拜訪親朋鄰里,所有曾經說你是一個成不了才的人這個時候都喜笑顏開,不停的夸你的變化之大。你花團錦簇,因為你的改變對曾今很失望的父母來說,對你曾經所有表現來說,那是一次多么大的跨越。一切也許剛好,你瞬間覺得生活很美好。回頭看看那些從小和你似乎永遠走不到一起的乖孩子,是不是在所有人都覺得一切都理所當然的軌跡上默然。因為他們從小被大人給予很大的希望,必須很努力,很努力。而且要混到一定的模樣。因為在那些成長里,一切標準都在不知不覺中高得理所當然。也許、只有很無奈的時候,總想說句,只需要每天有飯吃的人們為什么要彼此把生活過得那么復雜,那么累。社會就這個樣子,假著假著就真了,然后就大流了。然后就沒盡頭像現在這個樣子了。然后就輪回了。如果可以選擇,我確實想做一個可以回頭卻壞得不折不扣的孩子。但是,我們卻在中華五千年的文化傳統觀里選擇做了一個好孩子,為了孝順、為了生活、為了平凡的人生。(我覺得我很討厭自己,因為我從小做了一個太安分的好孩子;當不停的被比較時,當一切沒有父母覺得應該有的優秀時,當我忍著自己的疲憊和壓抑時,也許他們知道,也許他們不知道,我那么怕他們傷心,怕他們擔心。于是我總是努力的順著他們的意思。可是,越是這樣,一切標準便變得越來越高。我不知道是他們不滿足,還是我真的變得那么不讓他們滿意。當日子過了一段又一段,當我不停的在為了生活的軌跡里改變了又改變,我知道,我想過的是怎樣的生活,但我也更明白,像我們這種農村家庭低薪階級的孩子該怎樣去過平凡卻不能平庸的生活。也許每個人說認真的活出自己就好,但你會發現現實的社會會譴責你的自私……)
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