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    我的詩只有我才會懂

    我的詩只有我才會懂有一天,失去了,才看懂了自己的無奈和現實世俗的眼;有一天,喝醉了,才清晰了自己的真心和還未說出的話;有一天,痛過了,才感受了自己的脆弱和淋漓盡致的傷;有一天,遇見了,才明白了自己的天真和原已相信的謊。既然已經沒有了人懂,既然打算忘記了過去,既然死般經歷了疼痛,既然開始明白了一切,那就:刪除所有不屬自己的記憶,埋藏那些還未說出的話語,忘記所有若隱若現的傷感,戒掉這些沒有意義的文字……—— 前 記一切像是暴風雨來臨前的海面般平靜,沒有任何征兆。直到有天,我的世界也開始異常的恐慌,然后一點一點的消失。曾經以為只要踏踏實實一步步走下去就會走更遠,卻不想像鐘表秒針一樣明明努力走過了59步,只因多走了那1小步,又回到了原點,看似原點卻非原點,那些艱辛的過程誰會看到?誰會懂得?更沒有人愿意去珍惜那一點一滴。曾經以為的那種簡簡單單,卻變成了現在真正意義上的簡簡單單,就連自己也覺得可笑。也許,我不懂得怎么去討好別人,不懂得怎么去表達,或者是對未來過于自信,或者真的是活該。就這樣,每天在自卑和自責中無數次的經歷著死一般的疼痛,慢慢的習慣了這種心痛,像音樂的節奏一次一次的刺激著身體的每一個細胞,也許只有這個時候我才會知道自己還經歷過、才會知道自己還會有感覺、才會知道自己還真真正正的活著。時常幻聽耳邊有個人對我說著“看不起”、“不吃這套”、“你活該”、“精神病”之類的嘲笑和諷刺,那些每晚的失眠,那些每晚的噩夢,那些每晚的音樂,也總是離不開那熟悉而又陌生的身影和那讓人心碎的話語。有些事不只是噩夢,就連醒著也陰影的可怕。現實就是這樣如噩夢一般的殘酷,悲喜變換的沒有一點規律。夢是噩夢,醒是半醒,連夢也開始變得和現實一樣上演,甚至自己也分不清有些事是現實還是夢境,只知道有些人有些事一樣的讓人心痛,可能醒著就不會被噩夢所驚醒。每天看著耳旁兩邊多出的白發就像傷感一樣增長,不再像從前一樣可以數的清楚,不變的只是列表里的那些歌,不管什么時候聽著永遠都會有感覺……若未真愛,怎會受傷?我終于明白了,我的夢開始不甜,而那些不堪言的疼痛,也就是我自作自受!曾經試著去相信每一句話,現在才發現只是自己一廂情愿的被迫去接受,一切那些深信不疑的話語只是搪塞的借口,一切那些無可挑剔的借口只是自我的安慰,一切那些自欺欺人的安慰只是懦弱的逃避,一切那些掩耳盜鈴的逃避只是赤裸的偽裝,一切那些自以為是的偽裝只是無謂的掩飾。謊言的可怕不是因為被騙過,而是因為明明懷疑過,卻還要勉強自己去相信,謊言總是一次次被那些所謂的“局外人”拆穿,也許他們對謊言有著預知能力,也許真的應了“旁觀者清,當局者迷”那句話,總之要告訴自己不能再盲目的相信自己。突然發現,有些事成為了腦海最深的陰影,有些事成為了心底最深的傷痛,而我就是那個最愚蠢最容易欺騙的傻瓜,小丑般的遭遇著各種恥辱,卻還一次次的強顏歡笑的蒙蔽自己的雙眼。可是,我連小丑都不夠資格,小丑也會有他存在的意義、也會有被認可的時候,而我怎樣的努力和付出永遠只會被人唾棄和憎恨,最多只算個過客或者路人吧,不管是路人甲還是路人乙,總之我明白任何一個新的路人出現都會將我徹底的取代。我所忍受的這一切,即使經歷過的人也未必會懂。不管經歷怎樣,不管結局怎樣,了解了從未了解的人,明白了從未明白的事,也許每一種悲傷只是個成長的過程而已。不知是因為失眠太久還是因為噩夢太多,這一次,我真的懂了,也真的醒了。此時此刻,心中的疑慮不復存在,那些霧已隨風而散,等到陽光出現,天空一樣會蔚藍。人生最可悲的,并不是昨天失去太多,而是還沉浸于昨天的悲哀之中。每個人都有自己不能說的秘密,要相信把愛放下才會走得更遠。我的秘密卻再也找不到可以訴說的人,即使說出也沒有了意義、也沒有了人會明白。最終留下來的除了無情的傷害也就剩下那些不屬于我的記憶,所以那些還沒有說出的話語和那些不屬于自己的記憶又何必執著的強留呢?該走的就讓隨風而去吧,只剩傷痛讓它慢慢融化。傷感不是我的本性,文字只是我的感悟,記憶留下了悲痛,文字留下了傷感。時過境遷,記憶也會像文字一樣泛舊直至消失。痛過、哭過、累過、寫過,這些只是一種發泄、一種成長而已,一切還是依然,該走下去的還是要繼續。也許,每個人都會經歷過這些成長,只是故事的結局不同罷了。與其讓時光去沖淡,還不如抹掉這些痕跡,就像某些人不去見也許就會更容易忘記——不見,不戀!刪掉、戒掉、走掉、忘掉,那些曾經寫過的詩和文字,用它來祭奠逝去的所有, 這些最后一次的一字一句,用它來結束以前的自己。以后不再會有這些文字,也不會有那個“愛至成傷”的筆名,更不會有那些只有我才懂的詩。每一段故事都是一首詩,而那些我寫的詩也只有我才會懂……——————————若未真愛,怎會受傷?若未痛過,怎會放手?若非遇見,怎會相信?若非心死,怎會重生?Love until it hurts,For all I care !愛至成傷2014年1月10日夜
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