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    如果我真的不在了

    經歷一次那樣的驚心動魄,才明白人為什么那么恐懼死亡。昨天說真的,那一瞬間我是毫無畏懼的,我覺得我一定可以處理好,可能是自信燒壞了腦袋,你都無法想象當時是怎樣的危急,反正等我明白過來的時候,我居然第一個想到的是,如果我死了,那個人誰來照顧,朋友說我太自私了,我居然沒有第一時間想到我兒子,可我真的是第一時間想到的不是我兒子,所以這個世界上是沒有同等關系的,總有輕重。如果我真的不在了,不知道很多年以后還會不會有人記得我,這真是一個很愚蠢的問題,其實記不記得都不重要了,我已經永遠的消失,我無法再對任何人對我的任何反應有感覺,我也無法再對任何人對我的任何不記得而心情低落,因為那樣我真的不在了。我無法再愛他們無法再恨他們,無法再去計算我的任何付出是否值得。說真的我并不畏懼死亡,畏懼的是我還沒有做好死亡的準備,很多很多個為什么我還沒有揭曉,很多很多個值不值得我還不知道。如果我真的不在了,這個世界不會因我改變,關心或者在乎我的人也許會心痛一陣子,可悲傷過后,死者死矣,活著的人他們還有他們的生命要繼續完成,誰會記得一個已經沒有思想沒有靈魂的人。不知道最近是不是發生的事情太多,我開始懷疑我生命的意義。我甚至無法確定我在那些我認為很重要的人的心目中究竟是以怎樣的角色存在的?如果我真的不在了,我居然會想誰來照顧那個他,依然是愛多一秒恨不會少吧,不管怎樣第一個想到的依然還是他。這是沒有辦法解釋的東西。雖然在我安好的時候我是絕對否認的,我以為的很大一部分我是為了孩子活著的,可其實責任只是一部分而已。因為有永遠放不開的情意存在,我才可以這么倔強而又艱難的活著。活著真是一件折磨人的事!靜下來以后的恐懼,我承認了,那種后知后覺的恐懼感,讓我無法入睡,我假設了很多種我死亡以后發生的事情,假設了很多種如果我不在了,那些活著的人心里的想法,可這種假設永遠只會是無法確定的未知。最后恐懼的是瀕臨死亡那一刻求生不得的絕望應該有多么痛苦!今天我還好好的活著,其實活著也不錯,可以享受陽光,享受思想飛躍,享受生活。不管是哪一種生活它都是生活。大難不死,必有后福,我信!
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