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    寫給青春的信

    親愛的,請允許我這么叫你。

    我愿一生只愛你一個。只叫你親愛的。

    最后一次聽著電話里你的聲音,即使說的是嚴肅的話題,卻突然覺得很動聽,原來這種心情我已經很久沒有過了。

    我已經習慣麻木的生活了,習慣麻木地對你說我愛你,麻木地想要和你接吻,和你擁抱,和你上床,我以為這就是愛,還自以為是地稱之為深愛。其實,我早已不是我了,我們的愛情也早已不是最初的樣子了。

    我們曾經也有過美好的戀愛,單純,簡單,青澀,所有美好的詞都可以用來形容我們的愛情,不,是我們曾經的愛情。

    我有一段時間無法自拔地想要見你,我不知道是我真的想見你,還是自己內心苦悶的發泄,你說過男人不開心就喜歡約上幾個兄弟去打球,我的發泄就是纏著你,讓你一直陪著我。和你在一起并沒有讓我每一次都覺得快樂,因為我們老是吵架,可是,我還是像瘋了一樣地想和你見面,我每時每刻都在幻想,幻想你擁抱著我,我像只八爪魚一樣吸附在你的身上,我能感受你的體溫帶給我的一點點幸福感。

    我已經嚴重缺乏幸福感。

    每次和你吵架,我的心就像被亂麻纏繞,我想去走走,才發現我連一個人去走走的勇氣都沒有了,和你一起的日子原來已經那么久了。一年。一年的時間,我已經忘記了曾經那個單純青澀得像水一般的女孩子,那個女孩曾經憧憬著美好的大學生活,憧憬著美好的愛情,我早該知道,我爸媽曾經的爭吵就是例子,家庭是需要經營的,愛情也不例外,更何況愛情是家庭的根基,沒有愛情是不能修建好一座幸福的家庭。我們早過了對戀人撒嬌來換取關愛的年紀,我們過了十八,又過了二十。我們的思維卻沒有跟上我們那被催熟劑催熟的身體。這是一件可笑的事。

    我發現我好像得了憂郁癥,老是患得患失,心情就像天氣一樣變幻無常。所以我那么依戀你,我覺得自己不能離開你,離開你就像跳出水面太久的魚,不能呼吸,焦躁不安。我最近老是在做夢,我夢見悲慘黑暗的世界,我穿著潔白的衣裙,我感覺自己是那么的美,傾國傾城,我在逃脫厄運的追捕。

    可是醒來,我好憂傷,我第一件事就是拿起床頭的手機,照著自己的臉,我還是老樣子,沒有變得更瘦,沒有變得更美,上帝沒有給我一個大樂透頭獎,沒有大大的surprise。有人說過,夢總能反映一個人的內心世界,原來,我的內心是那么強烈地渴望成功,渴望美好,可是現實太殘忍了,我只是一個平凡到自己都不想去照鏡子,不敢再奢望成功。還有一個多月,我就要二十了,我卻從沒覺得自己這么老氣橫秋。

    親愛的,我好想哭,真的,我感覺自己好久沒這么痛快的哭一場了。

    親愛的。

    不知道你有沒有過這樣的感受,死的感受。

    昨晚我喝了酒,二鍋頭加啤酒,然后醉死在我的夢床上。我的心好難受,想吐又悶在心口的感覺。有那么一刻,我覺得自己快要死掉了,我不知道自己該怎么辦,我還不想死,我發著酒瘋,心里想的卻是我要活下去,我不想死掉,如果今晚不猝死,我想要好好活著,活的精彩。然后,我想到了你,我打你的電話,你不接,我好難過,如果這一刻我死了好遺憾你沒接我的電話。其實,我怎么敢這么說你,我怎么敢怪你。

    你最近也不好過,我都知道。你的家庭不是你能選擇的,你必須比其他人承受更多,別人國慶節想去哪里那里玩,你卻連生活費都沒有著落。可是我不敢提,我不知道怎么安慰你。我從來不知道男人的尊嚴是多么重要,其實我知道你一定是愛我的,哪怕現在不愛我,你一定愛過我。你說過的,你愛我。我昨晚一時心急對你說,你不適合擁有女朋友,我都不知道會讓你一晚難以入眠。對不起,這三個字是最蒼白無力的,卻也是全球通用的道歉方式,我知道你不需要。我還是想說,對不起。對不起,我好犯賤,每次是我生氣道歉的也是我,因為我知道,錯的是我,這點自知之明我還是有的。只是不愿在你面前承認罷了。

    你在電話里對我說,我們都靜靜吧。要是平時,我一定會說,靜靜是誰。可是,今天的我沒有了這樣一份勇氣。我知道,我們的確需要一點一個人的時光,讓彼此安靜下來思考的時間。讓我們想想對彼此的責任,對彼此的承諾,對彼此真誠的愛。

    親愛的,我覺得我們都只是犯了錯的孩子,但我們都還是好孩子,真的。你見過那些長瘡流膿還在地里干活的人嗎,他們沒有錢,他們養著幾個臟兮兮的孩子,每天卻還是微笑著,逢人便笑,露出潔白的牙齒,他們的心靈很美。其實,人就是因為欲望變得面目全非,變得自己都不認識自己。 我覺得自己就是這樣,有時,我會覺得自己骯臟。

    我曾經在學校的舊操場見過這樣一個人,那是一個太陽毒辣的中午,學校的操場正在刷油漆,幾個工人在忙著。有一個大叔引起了我的注意,也許是我引起他的注意,我捂著鼻子從他身邊過,反正我們相視而笑,然后他和我搭話,我問他怎么不戴口罩,他說天氣太熱。那一刻我的心里有點痛,原來我在抱怨生活,生活告訴我,還有比我過得不好的人多的去了,說了幾句我就離開了,但是我卻始終不能忘懷,他的笑容駐扎在我的心底,我覺得那是我見過最真誠的笑容。

    親愛的,我希望你還是我第一次見到的樣子,對生活和夢想充滿向往,我希望我眼睛里的你是一個勇敢積極的你,樂觀活潑的你,熱情洋洋的你,我愛的你。當然,我也愿能在你眼里看見這樣的我。

    這些話,我們從來沒有說過,我們都在逃避,可是這一刻,我的心好舒暢,我都說出來了。你讓我從你的眼里看見自己。我從來沒有看得這么通透徹底。

    親愛的,我一直很感激你,感激你陪我走過我人生中年輕美好的一年,你知道的,誰能擁有幾個這樣的一年,青春易逝,人難再。

    還記得嗎,我們的第一次相遇。我們的貴大青年雜志社。

    那是一個熱鬧的日子,大一的孩子都是這樣,新鮮又好奇,特別是對待愛情。我們渴望遇見一個特別的人。其實直到今天,我才知道,有些人,注定是逃不過命運的捉弄,我們分分合合那么多次,你難道還不明白嗎,我們注定會在一起。我不知道你怎么想,我只知道,你把我的心切碎了放在鹽里攪拌,這種感覺的痛你知道嗎?我想你知道,因為你會對我說,我就是這么折磨你的。

    那天我們一起去天河譚,我唯一難過的事是沒有和你去更多的地方,其實我并不是真的任性得不行,親愛的,我只是想和你留下我們的記憶,專屬記憶。我好愛你,想和你一起走遍世界,這是不是一個幻想,我覺得還是可以實現的對嗎?只要我們努力不被世界改變,我們就能改變世界。

    親愛的,我喜歡你笑,喜歡你的擁抱,喜歡你笑著擁抱我。你的體溫是我每次離別的貪戀,親愛的,我好愛你,真的好愛你。

    你不要離開我好嗎?

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