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    那些青蔥歲月

    開題結束了,突然有種想哭的沖動。

    其實只是開個題而已,還不至于哭,想哭的原因是突然意識到自己這一路走來所經歷的所承受的一切其實很值得。

    我承認我骨子里還是個很多愁善感的人,而且還是個有點懶的人。喜歡費盡心思去想一些事,最后被現實各種殘酷打敗。

    只是,我知道我還是依賴不了任何人,甚至覺得很可能我的父母以后還要依賴我。因此,我感覺身上擔子很重。我得擺脫我的這些劣習。

    人往往在逼急的時候就會做出一切魔性的事來。大一那年,我剛剛從緊張的復讀生活逃脫開來,每個復讀生應該都會比應屆畢業生壓力大很多,他們既要忍受旁人眼里留級生的冷嘲,還要背負第二年能否就考得上的巨大的心理包袱。每次月假回家,鄰居王嫂都會湊過來輕描淡寫地問,哎呀,放假呀,今年可是要跟我家崽一起參加高考喲,這第二次準備得應該很好了吧。說實話,這個話不知道是鼓勵還是諷刺,反正聽到耳里就是有點奇怪,每次都還是象征性地回答著還好,你家某某應該也很不錯的啦。

    最后終于只落得個二本的結局。我對此卻淡然了,既然結果已經如此了,還去奢望什么呢?難不成再來一年?耗不起,女孩子的青春。家里人誰也沒有怪我,倒是我自己有點淡淡的感覺對不起他們。當初在那不知名的大學讀了一個月回來了讓他們跟著擔了一年的心終于可以放下了。還是有點小遺憾。

    說起大學,比起人家的各種社團,談戀愛等等,我感覺我的課余時間基本就是由各種兼職組成。我開始只是單純地以為可以自己賺點零花錢就好,畢竟我的家庭不可能還能給我提供一般生活費之外的支出。父親一直身體不好,我對此總是耿耿于懷,卻是有心無力,也許那時候還小,即使知道父母很累,也無法給他們分擔點什么。母親一個女人也每天干著跟男人一樣的活,比如那時候農村很流行請私人幫忙升掉重物修房子用,也就是通常代替的那些泥水匠用機器搬運磚頭、和好的水泥砂漿等等,但還必須得人力先從地面搬運到機器上。這其實是項既辛苦又危險的活。每天手上都是被磚頭刮的一道道驚心動魄的傷痕,因為回家后見到的總是到處是破洞的手套,手套并不能完全作為屏障來使用。大學本科那幾年,父母為了給我賺學費,每天就是做著這樣的活。大一那年真正意義上的跟著去搬了一個暑假的磚,回到學校聽到同學問的我怎么又黑又瘦我只嘿嘿一笑說因為我天生夏天就會這樣,那一年夏天過的生日可能也是我這輩子忘不了的一個生日。或許從那以后,我就開始有了自力更生的想法。

    從此,我開始了瘋狂的各種兼職,從第一份做兼職模特的工作開始,那可是在結冰的天氣穿著模特衣服(短袖,絲襪,短裙)在店面門口連續站五六個小時,很懷疑怎么沒有被凍感冒那時候。再就是傳統的發傳單,做家教,甚至飯店服務員,茶館服務員都做過,我并沒有覺得這些有多丟臉會讓別人認為我是一個窮人家的孩子,我只希望能為我的家庭減輕一點在我身上的花費而已。直到現在研究生了,學習很忙,我還是會抽出周末的時間去做家教,實現了讀書不給家里添一點點負擔的諾言。人在逆境中,可能成長得更快。雖然到現在為止我也沒有談過一次真正的戀愛,我也并沒有像通常人們說的大學不談一次戀愛會很遺憾的想法。我還是一如既往地相信愛情會降臨。

    這一路,哪怕失去了很多,卻也碰到了很多人生的貴人,忘年之交,我的導師,我的父母,那都是指引我往正確道路行走的燈塔。以后的人生路上,我還會順著燈塔指明的方向前行,并且,我還會看到更多的燈塔。

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