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    不懂浪漫的男朋友

    1

    小牙和男朋友第一次旅行,大巴車搖搖晃晃的,又是山路,本來她就有點兒暈車,結果關鍵時刻有人不停放悶屁,不知道放了多少個,全車廂都被臭得不要不要的。

    小牙直接被熏吐了。

    臉紅耳赤地怕男朋友嫌棄,沒想到人家手忙腳亂地用報紙擦干凈地面,又找好塑料袋接著,然后給了她一個溫暖的肩膀:“來吧,靠著我。”

    她感激得不知如何是好,卻聽到男朋友深情地看著她:“其實,屁是我放的……”

    小牙:……

    2

    青青送了未來婆婆一套化妝品。

    怕男朋友嘲笑自己,“你千萬別說我買的。要是阿姨問起,你就說,是你偶爾路過商場,隨手買了一套。”

    男朋友想也沒想回道:“行。”

    大年初二去拜年,青青剛好看到七大姑八大舅在聊天,未來婆婆擦著護臉霜,語氣十分驕傲:“兒子給買的呢。”

    “沒想到他還有這么心,真孝順。”

    她把男朋友叫到無人處:“我還以為你會跟你媽說是我買的,我不好意思說而已。”

    男朋友十分無辜:“我哪兒知道你是這意思,要不然,我現在去說?”

    青青:滾!

    3

    小雅覺得自己徹底對男朋友失去了信任。

    看到他笑嘻嘻朝自己走過來,便會下意識地后退一步——因為,有可能他剛剛挖了鼻屎,想要喂給自己吃。

    他在身邊時,哈欠都不敢打——因為他會把手指戳進她的嘴里,還怪叫著:“我可是沒洗手啊沒洗手!怕了吧,哇哈哈!”

    至于他突然躡手躡腳地把手背在身后,那更要拉響警報——手中一定拿了不知道多少天沒洗的足球襪,不徹底熏暈她,似乎生活就沒有了任何樂趣。

    4

    寥寥吃鍋包肉,嘴上被燙了個水泡。

    晚上跟男朋友視頻時,她撅起嘴巴,撒著嬌:“可疼可疼了。”

    男朋友瞪大眼睛看了一會兒,嫌棄地撇撇嘴:“我去,真惡心。”

    寥寥:……

    5

    朋友小巖長得眉清目秀,卻偏偏嫁了個五大三粗,平日里不茍言笑,也不喜與人交往的東北壯漢。有次我們選擇壯漢工作時聚會,沒想到他中途回來,黑著臉勉強跟我們打個招呼,便逃也似的躲進房間,直到我們離開。

    場面十分尷尬。

    小巖紅著臉,只是說:“他比較內向,來了別的朋友也這樣,你們別見怪。”

    我一直不太理解小巖為什么會選擇這樣的男人結婚。

    直到有一天,小巖家的貓丟了。

    壯漢在很遠的郊區開會,接到電話就開車倆小時回來,陪她在小區里打著手電筒找了大半夜。好在倒也功夫不負有心人,貓找到了。安撫好小巖,壯漢又開車倆小時回去接著開會。

    那時,他們已經結婚十年。

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